High Tea at Cape Town's Pink Palace

If you love old England, have no idea how tea is properly served, or are simply a bit bored in Cape Town (or perhaps all three), I suggest booking a two-hour experience at the most expensive hotel in South Africa – the legendary Mount Nelson Hotel, which has been standing for more than a hundred years.I have just completed my second visit. 

The entrance to the hotel lobby is guarded by three footmen in historical costumes.

 In the lounge I spot a well-known designer reading in an armchair. The tea salon has about forty seats and opens onto a beautiful garden.

I love the English tiered stand with its small savoury amuse-bouches followed by sandwitches. 

 Meanwhile, besides the tea – of which you can choose from around a hundred different flavours and brands – we sip champagne from Moët & Chandon.

Next comes a basket of still-warm scones, and the tea feast is crowned with a tiered stand of six small desserts.

While sipping my tea, I observe the guests. 

Most people make reservations for High Tea – especially if you are a young, beautiful dark-skinned woman. You arrange it with your friends, put on the most beautiful wig you own, dramatic false eyelashes, and your favourite long dress in a single colour. Important: you must coordinate with your friends so that no one wears the same colour. A week before High Tea, you start practising how to walk in high heels. After a week of practising don't forget one more essential thing: charge your smartphone to 100% the night before. It needs to survive all the possible group photo combinations during the tea session.

You might think these girls are high-maintenance – but honestly, compared to European tourists, they have one major advantage: their full lips are completely natural. No need to spend money on Botox or anything else.

Lesbian partners are generally not advised to attend High Tea under these circumstances. And if they do, they should definitely avoid sitting with a clear view of our beautiful friends. Otherwise a breakup may follow – in the best case, they won't even remember which sandwiches they have already tried.

If it's your birthday and you are Muslim, you invite your ten-member family and order water instead of champagne. The staff will then bring a tub full of ice with twenty bottles of H₂O.

Older tourists without British upbringing will eventually ask for a doggy bag to pack away the uneaten amuse-bouches.

And if you are a new mother and slightly bored, it is the perfect moment to go to High Tea with your husband and bring your baby along – who is just as hungry as you are. At the right moment your husband will hand the baby to you from the stroller next to your table, and to everyone's delight you will feed it. For a little while, you get to enjoy being the centre of attention – even if God did not bless you with the same feminine curves as our dark-skinned friends.

Some guests at that moment began ordering tea with lemon instead of milk. 

Also beware of tour guides. One arrived with a group of about eight excited Dutch tourists. Unfortunately, he didn't have a reservation for them, so they had to leave empty-handed. And it was not revenge for the Boer wars